Sunday, December 16, 2012

Next Step

Hello again! I have really been trying to keep up with posting more often. So far so good :)  Tomorrow we have our 6 week followup appointment from our d&c. Cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since our lil booger has grew wings but also because so much has changed in 6 weeks. Finally in a place where I know I can only go up from here. We will get our miracle -- one way or another!

"Disappointments are just God's way of saying I have got something better .. be patient .. have faith .. trust God"
I believe that God has only put us through 3 years of infertility because he knows that we can handle this journey. Only the strong survive. It has tested our marriage to the limits but through it all we have only come out on top. It proves how badly we want this .. how badly we want to start our family.
So here is to a new beginning & a new year :)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


September 12th was the day that forever changed our lives.

(3months ago to the day)

 Today is 12.12.12. A lady at work told me today that I need to get a christmas tree and then buy a new angel for the top and know that our angel is always looking down on us. I have yet to go buy a tree this year.
(Talk about slacking)
The holidays normally get the best of me but I still manage to get a tree and go through the motions. However,  this year is different. This was the year that I thought I could start buying our baby gifts and finally have something to be so thankful for. I know that I have a supportive husband, a roof over my head, a good job and food every night on the table but having all that still doesn't fill the hole.  There is something missing in our lives.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Moving forward

My last post ended with us opting to have a d&c done by my OBGYN. It was scheduled for November 6th. That morning I was so sick and just not myself. I had so many thoughts running through my head.
" Was I doing the right thing? "
" Should I wait it out and maybe god will change his mind on taking our baby "
" Why can't I just be strong and have a natural miscarriage? "

I never thought it would be so hard making a decision. Even as I was sitting on the bed waiting to go into surgery my doctor said I could change my mind if I wanted. I couldn't stand the thought of having to sit around and wait to miscarry. That alone would be horrid.

The past month following my surgery has been full of highs and lows. Sometimes I felt that getting out of bed was impossible. I felt empty. I felt like everything had just been ripped away from me.

 I have just started to cope and deal with the loss of our baby. Not a day will go by that we will not think of the joy and happiness we felt for that month & half. 4 days ago was my 25th birthday and also 1 month since everything. At midnight I was texting my husband and said today is 1 month. I hope that there comes a point when I don't sit there and think oh I would of been 15weeks or 30 weeks or oh the baby should be here.

Anyone who has gotten to experience motherhood even just once has truly been given the most amazing gift. Never take for granted what you already have. Today starts a new beginning in hopes to someday have our baby.  I cannot wait to hopefully share these posts with him or her. They will know how much they are wanted.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Dreams do come true -- they also get shattered

It has been awhile since I blogged. Well quite a bit has happened in 3 months --
 Lets rewind a bit .............
 Sept 12th - my eggs were finally mature enough to take my ovidrel injection (releases my eggs). Little did I know that with us working different shifts that this would be the day that our life would be forever changed.
September 25th - beta came back POSITIVE!
October 12th - first u/s of the baby. Just the sac and gestational sac was seen and start of the yolk sac. It was such an amazing site regardless of how tiny our baby was. Measuring 5 days behind schedule --Should have known something was wrong at that point. But here was our first u/s photo.

Our 2nd u/s was 10-14-12 because I was having cramping and spotting. This was a
Sunday and we drove 2.5hrs to our fertility clinic and they said the baby was fine. No blood was seen surrounding the baby.. We didn't get a picture that day.

Our 3rd ultrasound was 10-18-12. The best day ever! The baby had grown so much. It is starting to look like a baby. The most amazing thing was we saw the flutter of its heart! It melted my heart. I was so in love at this point. I will never forget the joy we both felt. I couldn't stop staring at our ultrasound the whole way home. We had waited so long for this and it's finally here!

The next couple weeks are a blur. I had spotting and bad cramping for the next week. We had to have another ultrasound on the 26th of October. Little did I know that would be the day my world was shattered. We went in to our "graduation" ultrasound with the fertility clinic. This is the final ultrasound they do before you start seeing your obgyn. At this point I thought we were in the clear. However, as soon as the tech started I knew something was not right. The baby was barely there. It was so hard to see. She said they were having a hard time measuring and they wanted to scan my ovaries and go back to the baby. It took much longer then the other ultrasounds. My heart was breaking. I could see it in my husbands eyes that he to knew something was not right. The dr said well maybe it is to early and we cant see the heart beat yet. I sat there for a moment and said "we saw it last week" suddenly i knew for certain our baby wouldn't be in our arms in june. 

Leaving that appointment room was so difficult. I could barely hold myself up to walk out. They laid the ultrasound picture on the counter for me to take but I couldnt. The next 2.5 hour car ride home was the worst thing ever. I have never felt such heartache. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I knew I had to be strong and know that our baby is better off. 
The following week we had yet another ultrasound. We knew it was not a viable pregnancy and expected the worst. The dr was very nice and comforting and told us all of our options. We opted to see my obgyn and have a d&c done closer to home. 
Mommy & Daddy have a special place in our hearts for you ..