Next Step

Hello again! I have really been trying to keep up with posting more often. So far so good :)  Tomorrow we have our 6 week followup appointment from our d&c. Cannot believe it has been 6 weeks since our lil booger has grew wings but also because so much has changed in 6 weeks. Finally in a place where I know I can only go up from here. We will get our miracle -- one way or another!

"Disappointments are just God's way of saying I have got something better .. be patient .. have faith .. trust God"

 

 

I believe that God has only put us through 3 years of infertility because he knows that we can handle this journey. Only the strong survive. It has tested our marriage to the limits but through it all we have only come out on top. It proves how badly we want this .. how badly we want to start our family.

 

 

So here is to a new beginning & a new year :)

12.12.12

September 12th was the day that forever changed our lives.

(3months ago to the day)

 Today is 12.12.12. A lady at work told me today that I need to get a christmas tree and then buy a new angel for the top and know that our angel is always looking down on us. I have yet to go buy a tree this year.

 

(Talk about slacking)

 

The holidays normally get the best of me but I still manage to get a tree and go through the motions. However,  this year is different. This was the year that I thought I could start buying our baby gifts and finally have something to be so thankful for. I know that I have a supportive husband, a roof over my head, a good job and food every night on the table but having all that still doesn't fill the hole.  There is something missing in our lives.

 

 

 

 

Moving forward

My last post ended with us opting to have a d&c done by my OBGYN. It was scheduled for November 6th. That morning I was so sick and just not myself. I had so many thoughts running through my head.
" Was I doing the right thing? "
" Should I wait it out and maybe god will change his mind on taking our baby "
" Why can't I just be strong and have a natural miscarriage? "

I never thought it would be so hard making a decision. Even as I was sitting on the bed waiting to go into surgery my doctor said I could change my mind if I wanted. I couldn't stand the thought of having to sit around and wait to miscarry. That alone would be horrid.

The past month following my surgery has been full of highs and lows. Sometimes I felt that getting out of bed was impossible. I felt empty. I felt like everything had just been ripped away from me.

 I have just started to cope and deal with the loss of our baby. Not a day will go by that we will not think of the joy and happiness we felt for that month & half. 4 days ago was my 25th birthday and also 1 month since everything. At midnight I was texting my husband and said today is 1 month. I hope that there comes a point when I don't sit there and think oh I would of been 15weeks or 30 weeks or oh the baby should be here.

Anyone who has gotten to experience motherhood even just once has truly been given the most amazing gift. Never take for granted what you already have. Today starts a new beginning in hopes to someday have our baby.  I cannot wait to hopefully share these posts with him or her. They will know how much they are wanted.

Dreams do come true -- they also get shattered

It has been awhile since I blogged. Well quite a bit has happened in 3 months --
 Lets rewind a bit .............
 Sept 12th - my eggs were finally mature enough to take my ovidrel injection (releases my eggs). Little did I know that with us working different shifts that this would be the day that our life would be forever changed.
September 25th - beta came back POSITIVE!
October 12th - first u/s of the baby. Just the sac and gestational sac was seen and start of the yolk sac. It was such an amazing site regardless of how tiny our baby was. Measuring 5 days behind schedule --Should have known something was wrong at that point. But here was our first u/s photo.

Our 2nd u/s was 10-14-12 because I was having cramping and spotting. This was a

Sunday and we drove 2.5hrs to our fertility clinic and they said the baby was fine. No blood was seen surrounding the baby.. We didn't get a picture that day.

Our 3rd ultrasound was 10-18-12. The best day ever! The baby had grown so much. It is starting to look like a baby. The most amazing thing was we saw the flutter of its heart! It melted my heart. I was so in love at this point. I will never forget the joy we both felt. I couldn't stop staring at our ultrasound the whole way home. We had waited so long for this and it's finally here!

The next couple weeks are a blur. I had spotting and bad cramping for the next week. We had to have another ultrasound on the 26th of October. Little did I know that would be the day my world was shattered. We went in to our "graduation" ultrasound with the fertility clinic. This is the final ultrasound they do before you start seeing your obgyn. At this point I thought we were in the clear. However, as soon as the tech started I knew something was not right. The baby was barely there. It was so hard to see. She said they were having a hard time measuring and they wanted to scan my ovaries and go back to the baby. It took much longer then the other ultrasounds. My heart was breaking. I could see it in my husbands eyes that he to knew something was not right. The dr said well maybe it is to early and we cant see the heart beat yet. I sat there for a moment and said "we saw it last week" suddenly i knew for certain our baby wouldn't be in our arms in june. 

Leaving that appointment room was so difficult. I could barely hold myself up to walk out. They laid the ultrasound picture on the counter for me to take but I couldnt. The next 2.5 hour car ride home was the worst thing ever. I have never felt such heartache. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. I knew I had to be strong and know that our baby is better off. 

The following week we had yet another ultrasound. We knew it was not a viable pregnancy and expected the worst. The dr was very nice and comforting and told us all of our options. We opted to see my obgyn and have a d&c done closer to home. 

 

Mommy & Daddy have a special place in our hearts for you ..

Major headache

Well today was another ultrasound & more blood work. My appointment was done by 10am so I was thinking for sure by 2pm I would of had a phone call about my results. At 1:45 I called the office and she told me that they would call me. I left for work at 3 and around 4 called again because I still hadn't received a phone call. 


Around 5 I finally thought, hmm maybe they called the house phone. So I called and checked the voicemail and yep sure enough they did.  She told me that my dose was going to be doubled & that I would be going in for another ultrasound and bloodwork on saturday.


I got my meds around 7pm and HOLY freakin' headache! :( I got dizzy and just did not feel good at all. I cannot wait for this entire process to be over. People who get pregnant on their own without fertility treatment are so lucky! What a blessing that would of been if it would of happened on it's own. However, this whole process has made not only us stronger as people but has made our marriage so much stronger.

Where did you get your MD degree from?

Well Sunday August 26th I went in for day 3 baseline ultrasound & bloodwork. I didn't go down to the fertility clinic because of it being such a LOOOOONG drive however I would of taken that 2.5 hr drive over being upset due to an ultrasound tech anyday!!

My husband & I went to State College to have the ultrasound done, when we got there I had no clue where the lady was parked at. It was a sunday and of course the actual office was closed besides the few people that would be in the building that day.  We got to our appointment about 30mins prior to our actual time and we waited around for the lady. After sitting in the car for over half an hour we decided to walk in and see if the doors would be open by some miracle. (THEY WERE OPEN!!) We went upstairs and still could not find the ultrasound tech. Shortly after this my phone starts ringing and it is her calling me.

"Is this Christina?"
"Yes"
"Where are you? I am parked outside waiting for you to come to your appointment at Mt. Nittany Today."
"I am inside the building waiting on you"
"okay I will meet you inside"

Not even 2 minutes later we see her walking up to the door.  Total misunderstanding on where we were supposed to park. However, how she proceeded to act was in no means professional.  She proceeded to tell my husband and I that we kept her waiting and that she needed to go pick up her daughter!?! Really???

We went up to the ultrasound room and after I was changed and laying on the table she starts talking to me about how great the OB/GYN doctor is at their facility. UHM -- I don't care how great he is, we have been seeing a fertility clinic for almost a year. What she was about to then tell me, I never thought I would hear.

"you do know that your chance of getting pregnant while on these injections with PCOS is slim right?"

HOW DARE SHE EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!

At that point I just wanted to jump off that table and be done -- my husband was even upset at by the way she talked to me.  Everyone thinks I should report her.  I have another appointment for Day 7 u/s and blood work tomorrow morning at the same place (FINGERS CROSSED that I don't have her again)


**RANT OVER**

Hopeful

here goes nothing :)

Yesterday started our 2nd round of injections. I go tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (story of my life these days). I am not fond of the process of injections and all that jazz but if it will bring us our little miracle then I am willing to do anything. It is amazing how they say you would die for your child .. The same is true about your unborn/unconceived child :) It is amazing the things women put themselves through to have a baby.

So let's rewind a little since I haven't posted in 5 months.

May 2012 I went back to Shady Grove and officially started the process again.  We found out that I have a mild clotting disorder which I am now on a womens aspirin once a day. Dr O'Brien recommended that we do Menopur injections followed by an Ovidrel injection followed by prometrium pills after that. So due to the dreaded AUNT FLOW not wanting to show up on time as usual, the whole process got delayed. The 2nd to last week in July finally got the whole process started only to end in a BFN yet again ---- I guess when you don't set your hopes high you cannot get them crushed.

I am doing my best to be hopeful and giving this a chance even though sometimes it is truly the hardest thing to do.

:)

A very long 26 months

It is hard to believe that in less then 2weeks we have been trying 27 months. I just recently started my clomid [fertility med] at 200mg which is the highest dose that med is even given.  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever work? Will I ever get my chance to be a mom.

Perhaps it is meant to be this way?
Maybe I am meant to just give up?
Or am I going through this because I am strong enough to overcome it?

--these are all things that have crossed my mind--
I keep telling everyone that when the time comes that we FINALLY get pregnant I will be in complete denial. It has been such a long journey and hopefully it ends soon--with the best result possible.

I constantly have people telling me that it will happen when its meant to -- BLAHBLAH --
You can never sit there and tell someone that if you have been in my shoes. Please do not tell me that it will all work out when really you have no clue what it feels like to know that maybe you will never be a mom. More than 75% of the people telling me this have at least 1 child.

I have friends who have been trying a few months and they say well this sucks and I just wish it would happen -- I just think wow I was in their shoes never realizing that 2 yrs and 2months later I would still be in their shoes.

I am going to try to start blogging more because I really do think it helps to just vent.

But it is about time for me to take me meds and curl up in bed --

Until next time :)