The healing Process

A month ago I was walking into work when my water broke out of nowhere at 13+5 weeks gestation. We were thinking positive and doing our best to read all the positive stories of women who carried to at least 26 weeks.

BUT

Here I sit a month later with an empty womb & empty heart. The past month has truly been a nightmare and there is no other way to say that. I am trying to do my best to stay focused on the positives but lately it has been hard.

Lets go back to the day I left my blog at . . . September 16th.

When we left the hospital we had Jaxon's remains in the back seat and as painful as it was we decided to cremate him & plant some of his ashes under a tree. We decided to use a funeral home close to the hospital. We went home & said our goodbyes to him as best we could.

We drove back into town and dropped him off with the funeral director. He said it would be a few days before we could pick up the remains because they had to wait at least 24 hours before cremating.

That evening was the most I had actually had time to process everything .. It was finally sinking it that he was gone .. I was empty of everything .. I had been pregnant the past 15 weeks and now it was gone as if it had never happened.

The next few days are a blur but I do remember finally sitting down and deciding that we would go see a therapist. To me seeing one was weird .... how could you talk to a complete stranger about something so personal. We made a few phone calls and finally ending up getting an appointment set up for Tuesday September 24th.

Joe tried going to work a few days after everything had happened and I had a complete melt down .. or as the doctor says, a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't keep my emotions in, they were just streaming out.

As the days went by we sat down and decided that we wanted to do a weeping cherry tree for a memorial tree for Jaxon. The girls at work pitched in to get the tree for us, which we are beyond grateful to the amazing people who did.

The week ended and we still didn't have his remains. As badly as I wanted them I didn't know how well I would handle having them here with us. We both have been doing our best to be strong. There are times even 2 weeks later that I start to fall apart at the drop of a hat but there is always my amazing husband there to pick me up.

I can honestly say that through all of this my husband has been the best support. There is nothing more amazing then having a supportive man to stand by your side. I know that our marriage will grow from this tragic event. I know that we both have an undescribable love for Jaxon that neither of us will ever be able to explain to anyone else but eachother. 5 years of marriage .. 4 years of trying to grow our family & now 2 beautiful children who went to heaven way to soon.

We waited until Tuesday to call the funeral home to see if his remains were in. Joe got off the phone and within 30 minutes we were headed to the funeral home to pick him up. When we got there I wasn't sure how much we would have left. We walked into the funeral home and talked everything over and asked him if we could get a keepsake urn to put the rest of his remains in once we put some under the tree. He came out with 3 boxes of about 18 urns. I looked through many of them before coming across this one ..

     

As soon as I started looking at it the funeral director said "It means going home". I looked at Joe and he knew that was the one I wanted. I told the funeral director I would take that one and asked how much. He said "Nothing, take it." We are truly blessed that they did everything for free and gave us the urn. Jaxon will have such a beautiful urn to rest in.

The week of 24th we saw the therapist and got our tree picked out! We decided to plant it saturday morning and place some of his ashes under the tree.

　

　

Rewind to a few days after we lost him.

My husband & I were sitting outside cleaning up the backyard where we wanted to plant his tree and there wasn't a star in the sky except one. One tiny star that only he was able to see that night a few feet from where we were going to put the tree. He kept trying to have me stand where he was and look for it and I still couldn't see it. When he would walk away from that spot he wasn't able to see it. After we got done planting the tree it finally hit me ......

Jaxon had showed us exactly where he wanted his tree planted. The exact spot he had been sitting is where we ended up digging the hole for the tree!!

Saturday after planting the tree we decided that we needed some "US" time and went four wheeling. We had a great time and it was nice to get out of the house. As we were sitting in the woods (might I add it wasn't sunny at all where we were) a ray of sunshine hit the fourwheelers and then went away.

I truly believe Jaxon is with us. I know he watches over us. He has been giving us little signs that he hasn't left us.

 

 

　

Heaven gained a beautiful angel that day

It all started with us picking back up after our loss in November 2012 at 9 weeks. This was the first & last cycle that we were trying before moving to IVF. We figured whats one last shot if it works? We started fertility injections on May 27th and continued with routine ultrasounds every so many days & daily injections into my abdomen. Of course always wearing a pair of lucky socks for appointments!!

  


　

On June 13th my follicles were finally large enough to take the Ovidrel injection (a hormone injection to finishing maturing the follicles & release them for ovulation). The 2 week wait began on June 15th. I felt like time was standing still. My beta was scheduled for July 1st. However, who waits the full 2 weeks to test? :)

I got sick the weekend of the 15th of June. Actually went into the ER & had xrays and CT scan with IV contrast to make sure I didn't have a clot in my lungs. Nothing was found & I was sent home with bronchitis. Nervous during the scans because I could of potientally been pregnant at that point and was unsure if it would harm the baby or my chance of getting pregnant.

On June 25th I was still sick & the dr was going to prescribe me cough syrup with codeine in it. However I was nervous to get anything knowing that I could be pregnant. I had the dr order me a beta draw over the next two days to check to see if my levels were rising. I knew my levels would possibly still have the HCG hormone in them because of my Ovidrel shot. My level came back positive & higher each day! I WAS PREGNANT!!

HOLY CRAP WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!

As soon as I got the results I went to the store and got a little outfit & a jar of prego and put them in a gift bag for my husband. I drove down to his work and gave him the bag. As soon as he saw it he knew what I was going to tell him. We were both filled with so many emotions .. nervous because of our loss not even a year ago at that point and so much excitement to finally have the chance to be parents again!

Friday the 28th I started having some spotting (nothing uncommon due to me being on Crinone which is a progesterone cream). I called Shady Grove and told them I had a beta earlier on during the week due to being sick & had also taken a home pregnancy test and it was also positive. My nurse sent me a lab slip to have an early beta with the clinic.

Around 3pm I got my call ---------

BETA WAS 80!!!!!!

We were still pregnant and it wasn't just a dream .. No one could understand how excited we were. At this point we have been trying to build our family for 3 years 6 months. My nurse said that we still had to have our official beta on Monday the 1st with them. We were so excited that weekend and couldn't wait to hear our number monday afternoon! Beta days in the life of an infertile couple are nerve-racking!

Monday we had to take my car over to the dealership to get worked on so we made a day of it and went & got my labwork done at the hospital near there. We went to a book store and walked around. Immediately I went to the pregnancy section and started looking at all the books. While we were there around 2pm we got the phone call. Our beta had gone up just the way it was supposed to!

228!!

Our little baby was growing so strong. Last time we had a lot of issues with my levels not rising appropriately so the news that my levels were going up was such a blessing! Most clinics make you do a few betas before they will schedule an ultrasound. Our next beta was set for Wednesday the 3rd. We prayed the next two days that my levels would continue to rise & our baby would continue to grow.

Wednesday morning came around & I got my beta done early in the morning so I could have my results earlier. Results were in ........

445!!

Still nervous about the chance that something could go wrong we were beyond thrilled with the great news! My nurse said she was going to order 1 last beta for Friday. The next two days I spent more time on google researching what your levels should be at 13dpo (days past ovulation).

Friday morning came & the results were in ..

957!!!!!!

Our baby was here to stay for the long haul. My nurse said we could schedule our 1st appointment for within the next week because the doctor wanted to make sure everything was where it needed to be. Of course I scheduled it for as soon as possible. Our first baby appointment was scheduled for the 8TH OF JULY .. 3days!! We only had to wait 3 days!!!!! Tonight also started my daily injections of lovenox into my sides. I would continue daily injections until after delivery. Every needle stick was worth it though.

The weekend felt like my 2 week wait all over again. Monday came before we knew it though. Our alarm was set for 3:45 am since we had to drive 2.5 hours to our appointment. We were beyond eager to get up that early though. Something felt different that morning. Shortly after getting up I felt so sick to my stomach. Morning sickness had officially sunk in. I WAS THRILLED. You are probably thinking "What is wrong with her?". However, with our past I was welcoming morning sickness, it meant that our little booger was healthy and growing. We got to our appointment and patiently awaited to be called back.

There it was .... One gestational sac & yolk sac measuring exactly 5 weeks 3 days! We were so happy & emotional that morning.

Our next ultrasound was scheduled for 1 week from our 1st appointment. I know, we are very lucky to have so many ultrasounds. It truly is an amazing experience to watch your child grow every week.

The next week seemed to fly by .. Every day was filled with more morning sickness, which I was still welcoming with open arms. Just to know that my body was creating the most amazing thing made the nausea & vomiting so worth it!! Monday July 15th was here before we knew it and so was a 4am drive to Shady Grove. As we were driving nerves were settling in.

---- What if the sac was empty? ----

We sat there in the room waiting on our dr and ultrasound tech to come. My heart was racing & stomach was getting nervous. They started our ultrasound and right there it was! A perfect gestational sac, yolk sac & tiny baby measuring exactly on track. We saw the tiny heart beating away at 114 beats per minute. We were so in love with this little being.

 

 

 

We created this perfect life. Whether it was a boy or girl we didn't care .. we were and always will be proud parents to our miracle.

Our next appointment was July 22nd. This was going to be a hard appointment because it was our 3rd ultrasound that our last pregnancy had made a turn for the worst. Again, the next week was filled with highs & lows of emotions. We knew there was nothing to be worried about but those feelings were still in the back of our heads.

Finally it was here! Our 3rd ultrasound with Shady Grove.

& there our little miracle was. Perfect & so innocent. Heart was beating away at 146 beats per minute. Measuring at exactly 7 weeks 3 days.

Once again we had been given good news and knew that we were in the clear at this point. Our final appointment, Graduation Day, was scheduled for July 31st.

Our final ultrasound couldn't of gone more perfectly. We saw the babies arm buds and leg buds. It was actually looking like a baby. Our perfect little baby was growing wonderfully. Nothing seemed wrong. Heart beat was 170. After every appointment we fell more in love. When the doctor went to print us pictures out it put a pink stripe down the side of a few pictures. He said I call it .. its a girl! ( Well he was wrong ) We left Shady Grove with our hearts more filled than they have ever been. We were finally leaving with a healthy pregnancy & hopes of welcoming our child in March 2014.

Our first prenatal appointment was the beginning of August. Just a regular pap smear & background on health. They ordered lab work & a 24 hour urine. Due to my clotting disorder we had to see a high-risk OB to monitor the baby & continue my prescription of lovenox now that we were done seeing Shady Grove. During our appointment on August 5th, he went over everything telling us that we could experience a 2nd or even 3rd trimester loss. They went over all the risks of my clotting disorder & how we can prevent things from happening. He took us back to get another ultrasound (no pictures were printed though). Until this day we had not heard the heart beat. He turned the ultrasound doppler on & my heart melted. I never thought I would love that baby more then I already did but I was wrong. Hearing the heart beating of your unborn child is the most amazing sound ever.

The weekend after my appointment I decided to do my 24 hour urine. I spent the entire day filling that darn jug up only to drop it in the parking lot of the hospital I work at. Yes -- the entire jug of urine! It was on my scrub pants, my car and running down the parking lot. So I had to re-do the 24 hour urine the following friday (August 16th). I got my results that day at work and my protein level was elevated. Of course I was immediately worried. The doctor wasn't concerned because they said it was just a baseline for later on im my pregnancy, little did I know there wouldn't be a later on.

On August 26th we had an ultrasound at the local hospital where I work. There is nothing more amazing then seeing your baby move around. We got to hear the heartbeat again which was 154 beats. The ultrasound tech said the baby looked really long & active. It was truly amazing. Words will never express the love my husband & I felt for this baby. We didn't know if we would have a son or daughter in march but that didn't matter, we loved it so much already.

　

The next 9 days didn't seem to eventful. Just your typical morning sickness that was slowly starting to fade away since I had finally hit my 2nd trimester. I thought hitting your 2nd trimester was a huge milestone, the only milestone that I thought we needed to overcome in order to have a safe pregnancy.

Little did I know 9 days from our ultrasound our world would be turned upside down.

September 4th was a typical work morning for me. I had gotten ready for work when I kept telling my husband I didn't feel right. He said not to go to work but I packed my stuff up and went anyways. As I parked the car my stomach felt like it was in knots. I almost made it to the front door of the hospital when I felt like I was peeing myself. It just kept pouring out and it was starting to run down my leg. I ran to the bathroom and checked to see if it was blood or pee.

It wasn't either ... my heart sank at that moment. I knew my water had broken.

I went and told the girls at work that something was wrong and I had to go over to the doctors (which is right across from where I work). I walked over and she told me to have a seat and they would be out to get me. The nurse came out and called my name. At this point I had called my husband, my sister and a few friends. I was so scared that something was wrong. I had my husband bring me a change of clothes because my scrub pants were soaked. The doctor came in and did an exam and as soon as she tested the fluid she said, "Get dressed! We have to take you for an emergency ultrasound."

She left the room and I got dressed knowing that things weren't good. As we were walking over to the ultrasound department she said that was your amniotic fluid and you need to be prepared that the baby may not make it. Suddenly I felt as if my world was over and I lost it.

During the ultrasound I was expecting the worst. They measured the baby, checked for a heartbeat and measured the fluid left around the baby. The baby was measuring to the exact day, heartbeat was still nice and strong but fluid level was low. My doctor stayed in the room with us and discussed options. We had a choice between going home and being on bed rest and just letting everything take its course

OR

Go to my highrisk doctor and see what he can do for us and still be on bed rest. We decided we wanted to go see my highrisk doctor. When we got home it felt like our world had stopped, we didn't know what to do or how to move forward. I was on strict bed rest until further notice with the exception of bath room breaks or a shower every other day. Our Ob/Gyn was calling our high risk doctor and setting up and appointment for as soon as possible. Later on that afternoon we received a phone call with our appointment time -- Tomorrow at 10am she says. I was so glad to get in that early.

That evening was a bitter time, I wasn't sure how to process things or begin to understand why this would be happening. The next morning was here and I jumped in the shower as quick as possible and got ready to leave. Our appointment was about 1.5 hours away so we left a little early to get there and maybe get in earlier then our appointment time. Yeah right -- We sat there and waited almost 30 minutes past my appointment time before we were even called back. When the doctor came in he asked how everything happened & what I had felt yesterday morning. He did an ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby. He wasn't expecting any to be left but there was! Our baby was still able to move it's limbs. He did an exam to make sure I wasn't leaking any more fluid & that was cervix had closed since it was open the day prior. Everything was good to go. He sent us home with a lab slip for a CBC to check for infection. He said I wouldn't be going back to work until I delivered this baby. He explained all the issues that we were going to faced with, such as:

-premature baby

-possible infection & we would have to deliver

-growth issues the baby would deal with it's whole life

But nothing was going to stop us from doing everything in our power to keep this baby in for at least 10 more weeks. We drove home that afternoon with hope. Hope that our baby would pull through and we would be parents.

My husband drove me to the hospital to get my lab work done. It came back elevated but not enough to start worrying about an infection. The doctor ordered me 2 antibiotics to take for a week to prevent infection.

That weekend we had many visitors who stopped by to visit and dropped dinner off for us. Saturday night, September 7th I continued to not keep down my antibiotics so I called my Ob/Gyn oncall doctor for the high risk clinic. They said to try taking a dose of zofran and my antibiotics with a very light meal & if I was unable to keep them down at that point that I would have to come in for IV antiobiotics. I kept them down that evening and didn't have an issue after that point as long as I was eating small meals.

The next couple days dragged. I ordered Netflix and started watching Grey's Anatomy from the first season. Thursday was here before we knew it which meant another doctor appointment with our high risk doctor.

The doctor wanted to have another ultrasound to check fluid level again. I honestly thought at this point that we were going to make it many more weeks. I hadn't had any issues & things seemed to be going okay. As soon as he started doing the ultrasound you could tell the fluid was gone. He said "It doesn't look good". Our hearts yet again sunk. He ordered another CBC & said if it was elevated anymore then last week he would have to induce me because it meant I was getting an infection.

We drove back home & went to the hospital near by to get the lab work. As I sat there waiting for what seemed like eternity, I knew the outcome wasn't going to be good. While sitting there my Ob had walked pass me and asked how things were going. I explained everything that we had learned at our appointment that day. She said as soon as I was done getting my labwork to go over to the office because she wanted to discuss everything with us.

We walked over to the doctor office knowing that we would be discussing our "options" for the baby. We only sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before she called us back. She told us that my lab work had stayed the same but should of went down due to being on 2 antibiotics for a week. She explained that we could wait everything out or decide to induce now because there wasn't much of a chance of survival at this point. She left us to talk. We both looked at eachother with tears in our eyes knowing that as selfish as it sounded we couldn't terminate a pregnancy at 15 weeks when our baby was still alive. We were willing to fight for our baby .. whether that meant for another week or 2 months. We decided we wanted a 2nd ultrasound to determine that was no fluid left around the baby. The doctor was willing to do one. We called our family & told them this was probably the last chance they would get to see the baby so if they wanted to come they could. My husbands mother & sister came with us to the ultrasound. My sister and a good friend from work were also there with us. You couldn't really even tell it was a baby anymore because there was no fluid left around it. The heart was still beating which meant we had a fighter. That baby was putting up a fight to stay here .. it knew how much it was loved.

We went home that day knowing we could lose the baby at any point. The weekend was here and almost over before we knew it. I was still on strict bed rest that weekend. Around 4:30pm on September 15th I woke up from a nap not knowing what the next hour would bring us. I got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as I wiped I knew something wasn't right. I called for my husband and told him I was bleeding. Once again our world was upside down but we knew this day was going to possibly come. Nothing could of prepared us for the next 13 hours though.

I called the oncall doctor which luckily had been my regular OB. I told her that I was bleeding as if my period was getting ready to start. She told me to get to the ER so she could do an exam and see what was going on. We both seemed numb, as if we didn't know what to do. So many emotions were starting to fill my head. He called his mom as I was texting people to let them know we were on our way to the ER. A lady from work was supposed to be at our house at any minute to drop our dinner off but I couldn't wait around so his sister stayed at the house and caught up with her.

When we got the ER I checked in and waited for my doctor to come and get me. She said it would be about 30 minutes until she arrived. Before she could get there the triage nurse was out to get me. She did all my vitals and went over everything. My blood pressure was 140/90 (can we say I was really worked up at this point). Shortly after I went back to the waiting room my doctor came through the doors. There were no empty beds in the back so we went straight upstairs to maternity to do an ultrasound to check our baby.

My husband & I weren't sure what to expect next or how to handle what was going to happen next.

The doctor started doing the ultrasound & I could tell by my husband's face that it wasn't good. They looked for a few minutes for a heartbeat ......

but none was found. Our baby was no longer alive.

My world was shattered into a million pieces. I broke down and kept asking him what I did wrong. She gave us a minute to discuss our options. We could either go home and wait it out and I would eventually begin to bleed more and then have to come in at that point or she could go ahead and do a d&c. She left the room for 5 or so minutes while we talked and cried. I knew our baby was gone and there was no point in prolonging it anymore.

My husband went out to the nurses station and got the doctor. She came back in and said because I was 15 weeks & 3 days that she could not do a d&c without harming my uterus. She would have to induce me. At that moment I knew I would have to deliver our baby. I lost it. As we were walking down to our room I kept trying to think of what I did wrong .. I had failed my baby.

We were admitted to the hospital around 7pm. I sat on the bed & felt numb to this whole experience. I felt like giving up on everything. The nurse came in and got me a gown and told me to go ahead and get changed and then she would be in to go over everything. I never thought at 15 weeks I would be delivering a baby. A baby that we didn't even know the sex of at that point, a baby who we had most of the nursery stuff bought, a baby that we thought would make its appearance next year. Whatever any one tells me about everything happens for a reason, I do not believe there is a reason our unborn child was taken from us.

The nurse came back in and started my initial assesment for admission. We were surrounded my family & friends at this point. I can never thank those that were there that night enough. Dropping everything you had going on to just come and sit with us to let us know you care.

They went over all the typical stuff, blood pressure, meds, history etc. Then came the not so fun part. IV & the meds to start thinning out my cervix. The nurse put my IV in and then said she would be back with the doctor, who would insert the med (cytotec) into my cervix. The doctor came in & said she wanted to show me how small the med was that she was going to place onto my cervix. I said, "I will be fine, I had to take vaginal progesterone with my last pregnancy."

OH BOY -- was I wrong. She actually had to place the pill onto my cervix. She had to do it twice because the pill didn't stick the first time. Besides being uncomfortable it wasn't to bad. She said I would have to get it every 6 hours until it started working.

Around 9pm the nurse came in and gave me Tylenol because the cramping started getting pretty intense. It didn't work and within 2 hours I was back to cramping again. My husband, mother in law & sister in law all left the room so I could spend time with my visitors before they left. I hadn't ate since lunch time & was starving at this point so she brought me in jello and soda.

Shortly after 11pm I had more visitors from work. The contractions started getting more intense and I asked my husband to get the nurse so I could get some pain meds. She came in and gave me Demerol. As soon as she left the room I got dizzy and lightheaded. I knew that I was going to be throwing up within minutes. My husband went out to get me a basin to throw up in, while the girl from work ran into the bathroom and dumped everything that was in that basin out and came running back to my bed side. As soon as she was about 3 feet from me, it went everywhere. I felt so bad that I had almost puked on her, poor girl!

As I laid there for about 30-45 minutes I could feel the contractions getting more intense and closer together. I asked my husband to get the nurse because the Demerol had not worked. She came in and pushed Fentanyl through my IV. At this point it was nearing 1 am and the meds had still not worked. All my visitors had left and it was just my husband, sister in law, mother in law and I left. The nurse & doctor came in to place another Cytotec into my cervix. She said I wasn't that thinned out yet and it would probably be well into the morning before anything happened but she wanted me to consider an epidural so I didn't feel anything.

2am came around & I went ahead with the epidural. Never having one before in my life, I was nervous. The doctor & CRNA came in to do my epidural. I just remember them telling me to lean over the pillows like a kitty cat. I was so nervous to have a needle stuck in my spine. It went smoothly though.

Once they were done all I could sit there & think was am I going to feel this?

Will I feel the baby coming out?

What if I can't do this? I am not strong enough for this!

WIthin 30 minutes of getting my epidural I was asleep. It had been a long day and I knew it was going to be a long day tomorrow if I didn't get a few hours of sleep. My sister in law left around 4am to head home since nothing was going on. My mother in law stayed the night and slept across the room from my husband & I. I closed my eyes and prayed to god to bring our baby back, I would give anything to have my life back. I felt empty. There aren't enough words to describe the amount of emotions I was feeling.

I woke up at 6am .. as I looked over at my husband he had also just woken up. It's almost like something woke us up at the same time. He came over and asked if I need the nurses to get cleaned up since they had been doing it almost every hour when I was awake. I hesitated for a minute and then said well just check to see how bad it is. He looked and said it is pretty bad. I can't remember exactly if he said he saw something or he was getting the nurses. He woke his mom up so she wasn't in the room when they came in to clean me up.

They came in and turned the lights on and pulled back the sheets. As soon as they pulled them back I knew the baby had come out while I was sleeping. The doctor said once I thinned out enough that the baby would just slip out. I thank god that our baby came out while we were sleeping. As tramatic as this whole experience was, I think being awake for that would of been so much worse. I thank our baby was watching over us trying to save us some pain & heartache.

The nurses went and got the doctor. I don't think she was expecting for the baby to come out as easily or as quickly as it did. I heard her ask them when it happened. Sometime between the hours of 4:30 am & 6 a.m. our baby was born sleeping.

The doctor turned on the bright lights in the room and said she would have to deliver the placenta. As soon as she started I tensed up and she asked me if I was feeling what she was doing. I wasn't feeling anything besides pressure but it was just the idea that my baby was gone and she was taking everything else out.

My husband was there through every step of this awful night. He held my hand during my contractions, epidural and even the doctor taking the placenta out. He has truly been my rock when I felt the world was crumbling before our feet. Even when he feels he can't make it through, he is strong enough to hold me up from falling apart.

The nurses spent the next 20 or so minutes cleaning me up. I was still numb from my epidural and could barely move my legs. They told me once we wanted to see the baby they would bring it into the room. 7 a.m. rolled around & we felt as though time was standing still. We were both numb to our feelings & hadn't had enough time to process anything.

A good friend of mine that I work with had text me to see if my husband & I needed anything before she came up. Even though she had just left the night before at 11 she was back at 7am the next morning. So many people cared about us & were worried about us. My sister had text me to see how things were going and I had said its gone. The baby was gone and the whole delivery was over. I wish I could rewind time and just enjoy my pregnancy that much more.

The next few hours are a blur. My husband & I finally decided that we wanted to see the baby. Everyone else had left the room. As the nurse was opening the container I could feel my heart beating out of chest ..

What if I couldn't tell it was a baby ..

What if I regret this later on ..

I just wanted to wake up from this awful nightmare ..

There our baby was. Gone to heaven but so peaceful & beautiful. There are no words to describe our feelings. The nurse pointed everything out to us and said she was going to put the baby back in the nursery.

We had many more visitors that morning before we left. The nurse came back in and asked if she could take the baby down to the lab to get testing done. After my sister and friend saw the baby I said it was okay to take the baby down. A little while later lab had brought the baby back up to maternity. They had it all cleaned up and arms crossed. My husband came in because he was getting ready to take the baby down to the car so we could head over to the funeral home. He pulled out the container & on the side it said ....

MALE --

I lost it .. There in a container laid my baby boy. A little boy that we should of delivered many months later. I already knew what we would name him.

 

Jaxon Paul Householder.

Mommy & Daddy love you Jaxon. Not a day will pass us by that we won't think of you or the little boy you would of grown up to be.

 

 

 

　

　

Antiphospholipid WHAT?

Old post I forgot to publish --

 

The past week has flown by & it slipped my mind to even blog :(

 

Well just an update on everything.

I informed you that I kept testing positive for the lupus anticoagulant.  The dr finally called last week and told me that I have an autoimmune disorder known as Antiphospholipid syndrome. I know you are all thinking Antiphospholipid WHAT?

But here is the breakdown--

Basically my blood clots in my veins & ateries and causes pregnancy complications (reasoning behind my miscarriages). 100% will be lovenox during prenancy & a baby aspirin. I really hope this is our saving grace and that we can finally carry a baby fullterm with no complications.  Still waiting on the dreaded AUNTFLO to arrive from the provera that I took & then I have a saline ultrasound to see if I have any polyps or scar tissue from my d&c back in November. *fingerscrossed* that it goes well & everything comes back normal.

My meds arrived on saturday & I swear I had a heart attack when I saw all of the boxes.

1 day Post-Op

Yesterday was quite a long day.

 

   I was up at 1:30am so that we could leave by 2:30 to head to by surgery that was 3 hours away.  Surgery started around 7:30am and I was out of the hospital by 10. They didn't waste any time getting me in and out of there. Everything went smootly with the surgery. He found polyps that he also removed along with the scar tissue that he knew was there. ( I will post pictures in another post)  Besides some minor cramping and bleeding all is going well :)

 

 

   My doctor called me today just to go over our next step and let me know how everything went with the surgery since I was still pretty groggy when he had talked me in the recovery room.  He wants me to take another pack of the birth control pills just to let my body heal and then we can start treatment back up!! I am beyond excited and so ready to get this ball rolling again.  It will push us into April for when we would potentially get pregnant. April doesn't seem that far away ... does it?

 



Surgery

Sorry I have been slacking lately .. I have been extremly busy with work & appointments. So last post I was talking about having my saline ultrasound & hoping that all went well with that. However we did not get the news we had been expecting.

"There is a lare mass of scar tissue that has the left side of our uterus stuck together from top to bottom" -- REALLY? What could possibly set us back more now!!

 

 

So here we are. Two days before my surgery to have the scar tissue removed & whatever else he finds.  I prayed so hard that nothing would go wrong with that ultrasound. Guess prayers can only go so far & then you just have to let be what will be.  I know God is doing what he think is best but sometimes it feels like we will never get this process started back up. However, finding that scar tissue now before possibly another pregnancy that could have ended up badly is a blessing.

 

• Pre-op appointment & bloodwork --- CHECK
• Surgery time --- CHECK
• Ready for surgery --- still processing another surgery :(

 

 



3 Months & now a fresh start

Yesterday marked 3 months since my d&c after finding out we were going to miscarry. It has truly flown by & gotten much easier to deal with. 

... "Time heals all things" ...

Tomorrow is my saline ultrasound at the fertility clinic to make sure no scar tissue has developed from my d&c procedure back in November.  We are both praying that all looks well & we can continue forward with treatment with a fresh cycle soon!  Hopefully within 2-3weeks we will be starting the menopur back up. I cannot wait to get this ball rolling :)

2013 be good to us :

Here is to a New Year & hopefully a New Addition:

 

 

Well last time I wrote was the night before my d&c followup. Everything went good & we were cleared to start trying again.  We were referred to a high-risk OB/Gyn in Johnstown,PA. As most of you know, my pregnancy will be considered high-risk the moment I get pregnant due to recurrent pregnancy loss & infertility.  We saw Dr. K 2 days after Christmas -- Our appointment went as good as it could have. So many questions we had were answered.  He ordered more labwork and said that if he came back the same it did last time that I would be put on Lovenox 3 days after I trigger. (Well it came back positive again, My lupus-anticoaglant). So here's to taking Lovenox until I am 36-38weeks pregnant. At this point though, I am willing to do anything to carry full-term.

 

 

After our appointment with Dr.K we set up our appointment with Shady Grove again. The New Year started off great, Jan 4th we had our appointment with Shady Grove to get everything started back up.  Our doctor said before we start our treatments back up he wanted to order a saline ultrasound to make sure I have no scar tissue or polyps from my d&c.  So that brings us to today .. Still waiting on Aunt Flo to show her wonderful face so that we can get this party started! Beyond ready to get this cycle started back up & get our miracle in our arms.

 

 

New med cycle we will be starting:

 

Menopur injections starting at day 3. With bloodwork & ultrasounds to see when we can trigger to release eggs.

 

Ovidrel injections to release eggs

 

Aspirin for my clotting issues.

 

Lovenox 40mg for clotting issues until fullterm pregnancy.

 

Crinone instead of that nasty prometrium!

 

Heres to a new beginning and a fresh new year!!!!