Here I sit a month later with an empty womb & empty heart. The past month has truly been a nightmare and there is no other way to say that. I am trying to do my best to stay focused on the positives but lately it has been hard.
Lets go back to the day I left my blog at . . . September 16th.
When we left the hospital we had Jaxon's remains in the back seat and as painful as it was we decided to cremate him & plant some of his ashes under a tree. We decided to use a funeral home close to the hospital. We went home & said our goodbyes to him as best we could.
We drove back into town and dropped him off with the funeral director. He said it would be a few days before we could pick up the remains because they had to wait at least 24 hours before cremating.
That evening was the most I had actually had time to process everything .. It was finally sinking it that he was gone .. I was empty of everything .. I had been pregnant the past 15 weeks and now it was gone as if it had never happened.
The next few days are a blur but I do remember finally sitting down and deciding that we would go see a therapist. To me seeing one was weird .... how could you talk to a complete stranger about something so personal. We made a few phone calls and finally ending up getting an appointment set up for Tuesday September 24th.
Joe tried going to work a few days after everything had happened and I had a complete melt down .. or as the doctor says, a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't keep my emotions in, they were just streaming out.
As the days went by we sat down and decided that we wanted to do a weeping cherry tree for a memorial tree for Jaxon. The girls at work pitched in to get the tree for us, which we are beyond grateful to the amazing people who did.
The week ended and we still didn't have his remains. As badly as I wanted them I didn't know how well I would handle having them here with us. We both have been doing our best to be strong. There are times even 2 weeks later that I start to fall apart at the drop of a hat but there is always my amazing husband there to pick me up.
I can honestly say that through all of this my husband has been the best support. There is nothing more amazing then having a supportive man to stand by your side. I know that our marriage will grow from this tragic event. I know that we both have an undescribable love for Jaxon that neither of us will ever be able to explain to anyone else but eachother. 5 years of marriage .. 4 years of trying to grow our family & now 2 beautiful children who went to heaven way to soon.
We waited until Tuesday to call the funeral home to see if his remains were in. Joe got off the phone and within 30 minutes we were headed to the funeral home to pick him up. When we got there I wasn't sure how much we would have left. We walked into the funeral home and talked everything over and asked him if we could get a keepsake urn to put the rest of his remains in once we put some under the tree. He came out with 3 boxes of about 18 urns. I looked through many of them before coming across this one ..
As soon as I started looking at it the funeral director said "It means going home". I looked at Joe and he knew that was the one I wanted. I told the funeral director I would take that one and asked how much. He said "Nothing, take it." We are truly blessed that they did everything for free and gave us the urn. Jaxon will have such a beautiful urn to rest in.
The week of 24th we saw the therapist and got our tree picked out! We decided to plant it saturday morning and place some of his ashes under the tree.
Rewind to a few days after we lost him.
My husband & I were sitting outside cleaning up the backyard where we wanted to plant his tree and there wasn't a star in the sky except one. One tiny star that only he was able to see that night a few feet from where we were going to put the tree. He kept trying to have me stand where he was and look for it and I still couldn't see it. When he would walk away from that spot he wasn't able to see it. After we got done planting the tree it finally hit me ......
Jaxon had showed us exactly where he wanted his tree planted. The exact spot he had been sitting is where we ended up digging the hole for the tree!!
Saturday after planting the tree we decided that we needed some "US" time and went four wheeling. We had a great time and it was nice to get out of the house. As we were sitting in the woods (might I add it wasn't sunny at all where we were) a ray of sunshine hit the fourwheelers and then went away.
I truly believe Jaxon is with us. I know he watches over us. He has been giving us little signs that he hasn't left us.